Wednesday, December 23, 2015

THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT RUMP




                                THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT RUMP
                                                      A  2019 News Summary


Washington D.C.  May 15 – The attempted assassination of President Donald Rump by an Irish ‘sleeper cell’ is having further ramifications in the Congress with the introduction of several bills to prohibit Catholic immigration to the United States and to detain all undocumented Catholic immigrants in ‘rehab resorts’ until extradited to their home countries. The legislation, sponsored by members of the Congressional caucus calling itself  ‘Real Patriots First’ also calls for a ban on Americans traveling to Ireland as well as a boycott of Irish imports ranging from whiskey to folk singers.

Responsibility for the attack on the president was claimed by the Holy Warriors of Bethlehem, a militant offshoot of the Knights of Columbus. The claim was posted on their website until the administration -- skirting free speech guarantees --   demanded that world-wide servers voluntarily shut down the site. However, the Chinese giant, Ali Baba, kept it running long enough for various western sources to publish the group’s intent ‘to wage holy war against the infidel protestants who have defiled God and controlled America’s evil empire for too long.’

At her morning news conference today, Vice-President Sarah Failin issued a statement that security cameras might be installed in Catholic Sunday School classrooms and suggested that church confessionals no longer be considered ‘above the law’. The Vatican responded almost immediately with a Facebook video by Cardinal Terrance Twist, head of the Papal Curia.

‘The Holy Father wishes the world to know that Catholicism is a peaceful faith and that the Mother Church – despite a few brief aberrations during the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition – condemns all acts of senseless violence in general and those of small revisionist groups in particular. To blemish the entire Catholic world based on the acts of a few misled radicals could be considered a mortal sin.”

In a related development, the head of Homeland Security, Ben Carfather, announced that the month-long encirclement of Boston by federal troops has been lifted along with the ban on Boston Celtics basketball games. The prohibition on St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, however, will continue as will the closing of St. Patrick’s cathedral in New York City until a more suitable name can be agreed upon. Mr. Carfather stated: ‘We now believe the principal threat to our security and to the nation’s tranquility  can be found in terrorist cells hiding in abandoned grain elevators in the Midwest. As a consequence, we now have a huge interagency dragnet covering wherever beautiful spacious skies and amber waves of grain can be found.”

Reliable sources have also reported that Secretary of State Ted Missile was preparing a NATO Resolution that prohibits the display of Shamrock flags, leprechaun images  and playing of the song ‘How Are Things In Gloccamora’ in member countries. These are believed to be recruiting tools for The Holy Warriors of Bethlehem.

    On the local level reports from around the nation indicate that mob attacks on Irish pubs in New York, Houston, Chicago and San Francisco are lessening, although credible bomb threats were reported last night in Kansas City, Atlanta and Charlotte; and  “No Irish Need Apply’ signs have proliferated in Alabama and South Carolina. In addition, anti-catholic graffiti is reportedly appearing on church properties and bingo parlors in the Rocky Mountain states.

Although the new legislation, which President Rump is expected to sign from his secret hair salon in the Caribbean, makes no mention of where the ‘rehab resorts’ are to be located, reliable sources say work has already begun to restore structures in the Mojave Desert that were used in World War Two to house people of Japanese descent.


                                                   (more, unfortunately, to come)
                                                                    
                                                           *************


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And may everyone enjoy a full and satisfying holiday, and a 2016 more sane than the year now approaching its welcome grave.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

THE UNFORGETTABLE FALL OF JACK MCGRATH




                              THE UNFORGETTABLE FALL OF JACK MCGRATH

                               A Small Rumination On Friendship


       


      I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately – its contradictions and conundrums  -- because two very old and close friends have died in recent months. The first, Merrill Grant – born and bred in New York City -- was one of the most honest, self-effacing men I’ve ever known; and also the funniest. We first met over lunch many years ago when I was trying to recruit him into my company.  Halfway through the second martini (It was the ‘Mad Men’ era.), we were cautiously feeling each other out; gossiping a little about the television business and talking eventually about our families.

      I told Merrill that in a few weeks I was taking my kids on safari to Kenya and Tanzania and was really looking forward to the trip.  Merrill, who had a distinctly New York accent, broke into a cherubic smile and said:

       “Yeah? That’s wild!  My old man did the same thing when I was a kid.”

       “Really?” I said.
        “Yeah, really … except it was called the Bronx Zoo.”

        I loved Merrill from that moment on and for the next thirty-five years.

        My second friend – Bob Schneider – was of a different sort entirely:  cautious, loath to make decisions and always a bit defensive. He and Merrill never met; and it’s safe to say each would have disliked the other. Coming from a very modest background, Bob became a vice-president of Xerox Corporation and had a career that anyone would consider successful. Yet his attitudes and his opinions were usually tentative and unsure, and he was most at home in while sitting on the fence. He once told me a story that – in all probability -- played an important role in shaping his dedication to studied neutrality.

     When he was a senior in a small-town high school, he became enthralled with a girl whom he considered “way above his station”; the daughter of the local bank president. In order to impress her, he began saving money from his part-time job as a grocery clerk until – after a few months – he’d saved enough to invite her to dinner at the only “high class” restaurant in the area. Much to his surprise (and relief), she accepted. 

     When the night arrived, they were seated by a tuxedoed maitre d’ (intimidating enough, to say the least) and given menus the likes of which Bob had never seen. But he studied his carefully as if he knew what he was doing and finally asked the girl of his dreams what she was going to have.

      “I think I’ll have the lobster bisque.” she said.
                                                            
       “Good choice.” Bob told her. “But wouldn’t you like some soup first?”

          Bob’s life-long philosophy of ‘better safe than sorry’ may have been born that night.  In any case, he became in time a decent man who avoided risk, never again put his foot in his mouth and lived a satisfying and largely predictable life. I think of him as one of an endless and anonymous herd of executives who spend a lifetime in our giant corporations and retire without a trace. And yet he remained a good friend long after he faded to self-absorption and ennui in an assisted-living community.

        And then – inevitably -- Jack McGrath came to mind. I met Jack when I was eighteen and innocent. A year later, I was ten years older.

       I’d gotten a job as an attendant in a private mental hospital in Hartford, Connecticut, and had moved into a five-bedroom apartment with four other ‘psychiatric aides’ (as we were charitably called), including Jack who was in his early thirties. The apartment was a sprawling, five-bedroom wreck (cracked linoleum floors, one bathroom, green and purple wallpaper) within walking distance of the hospital and – more importantly – upstairs from a hangout called The Cardinal Bar and Grill, generally referred to as ‘The Bird’.

       My other three roommates – Carl Ringhouser, Howie Boudreau and Milton Kanzaki – were in their mid to late twenties and working on ‘advanced degrees’ in psychology and sociology. Since I was barely out of high school, and had never heard of an ‘advanced degree’, I was benignly tolerated but generally ignored; except by Jack who with enthusiasm offered to introduce me to ‘the real world’.

        I had no idea at the time that he was a satyr. I’d never even heard the word. (For anyone unfamiliar with satyriasis, it’s the male equivalent of nymphomania.) All I knew was that he was a tall, skinny Irishman who played hard and drank heavily and loved great jokes and said a lot of outrageous things. He was a great mentor, or so I thought, for a young kid who’d never been in ‘the real world’ and was aching to explore it. So Jack’s obsession with sex came as a shock, but not necessarily a negative one.

      Although his audacity with girls – his outright lasciviousness  -- was way beyond the bounds of my imaginings, I did get some vicarious pleasure from watching him ‘work the room’.  Hanging around The Bird night after night, month after month, he talked and laughed with ‘the guys’ while his eyes scanned the bar for any female, and I mean ANY female, he might take to bed.  Once he found a target, he managed to proposition her within five minutes of saying hello. If he were rebuffed, which was less often than one might think, he took it in stride and just targeted another female sitting a few barstools down. And needless to say, there were nights when we had to pull him away from near-fights with boyfriends or with husbands who were playing pinball at the other end of the bar. Even as we hustled him back to safety, he’d be laughing and joking and re-scanning the room. (At one point, Jack thought he’d died and gone to heaven when he met a nurse who turned out to be a nymphomaniac. The relationship was headed for disaster when a hastily-organized and very hush-hush intervention forced them to stop fucking in empty rooms, alleyways, broom closets, shower stalls, and stairwells. But that’s another story for another time.)

      Yet despite his sex addiction, Jack generated loyalty from an astonishing number of people because he had little malice in his soul and was, in fact, supremely generous; lending money to anyone who needed it and never asking for repayment. In fact, he seemed surprised when people did repay him. Even women who were at first appalled by him came to accept him and often to like him. He also earned people’s respect because he was brave beyond bravado and dedicated to his job assignment. As senior ‘aide’ on the most violent ward in the hospital, he was always the first to dive into a fight or to try to restrain a patient who’d gone ‘high’. Not easy, and often dangerous. But he was always there. Always reliable. Always in good spirits.

     And then, suddenly, he wasn’t. Our crazy, tough, free-spirited, sex-addicted Irishman was gone. I don’t remember how exactly: a heart attack, a brain embolism. Whatever it was, it struck without warning and killed him instantly. Nor do I remember how Milton Kanzaki ended up with the urn. But it was Milton, a shy and awkward intellectual, who remembered Jack insisting one night that when he died, he wanted to be buried at sea. And Milton – thinking Jack’s request serious but absurd --had soberly promised he would make it so.

     That’s why, after a few days of alcoholic debate, and using money chipped in by the Bird’s regulars, we chartered a plane in Bridgeport, Connecticut, to spread Jack’s ashes in the ocean. We could have rented a boat, of course, but the prospect of a plane ride (suggested, by the way, by an ex-girlfriend) captured our imaginations. And Jack, we told ourselves, would have loved it.

     We took off on a sweltering summer Saturday in a little plane that seated three plus the pilot. Milton sat in the copilot’s seat holding the urn, and Carl and I sat in back. The wings were above the fuselage – which gave us an unencumbered view below -- and the two side windows were open which gave us a welcome breeze.  As we climbed past the shoreline, we could see sailboats and motor craft all over Long Island Sound. Carl claimed he could even see an outline of the Empire State Building to the west. And when Milton and I turned to look, the inexplicable happened.

      Jack’s urn fell out the window.  Milton had balanced it on the window ledge for only a second and it had somehow slipped his grip. It happened so quickly that we could only react with shocked silence. Yet, paradoxically, time seemed to slow as we watched it plummet toward a raucous flock of seagulls circling a garbage barge almost directly below us; and saw it land – unbroken -- on a huge mound of human detritus being towed toward a dumping ground in the open ocean.

     And so our flawed true friend, Jack McGrath, -- whom we valued deeply and will always remember -- was consigned to the sea as promised; but not exactly as planned. 
                                                ****


     It’s been said that the true test of friendship is time. But that strikes me as  tautological and self-evident.  True friendship barely recognizes time. If Merrill or Bob or Jack were alive today, we’d pick up right where we left off; as if no time at all had passed.

     So it occurs to me that true friendship usually lasts longer than love, and is more trustworthy. Almost from the day we’re born, we’re fed the messy and misleading mythology of love: love conquers all .. all your need is love .. you’ll find the love of your life .. you’ll live and love happily ever after ..  etc. But whether framed in the language of sappy romantic novels or great literary masterpieces, we soon find out that we’re neither Cinderella nor Prince Charming; and that love is at best a moving target; fickle and ephemeral. And while that may sound cynical or even bitter to a romantic, the divorce rate alone testifies to its truth. 

      The fact is that love, in the end, rarely endures the test of time unless it’s based on and buttressed by friendship. If we’re not lucky enough (and luck plays a big role) to enjoy both with a partner, our friendships still endure and support us.

     We may separate friends for our own reasons, as I’ve often done, and we may not even acknowledge them for long periods. But they nonetheless last a lifetime, and the mutual loyalty that seals them yields its own reward.

     Thus the burning question is: why can’t more of us get past the deceptive mythology of love and realize that fulfillment can be found in true friendship as well?

     It beats me. But I for one am thankful beyond words for friends living and dead. They’ve made life well worth living.

  
                                                     ****

                                                
                                                 
                                        AFTER DINNER MINTS


I worked at the Hartford hospital for nearly five years and eventually started college. But after the eccentricities of an institution whose staff was nearly as dysfunctional as its patients, college life seemed only intermittently interesting. Ultimately, I dropped out.

After three years, we were summarily evicted from our apartment when Milton Kanzaki – finally learning how to drive --  lost control of Carl’s aged Lincoln Continental and ripped off an entire corner of the building. The bar owner also eighty-sixed us, but soon changed his mind when business at The Bird started to slump.

At about the same time, a new drug called Thorazine (a great-granddaddy of Valium) was introduced into mental health care. We welcomed it because violence in the wards dropped dramatically. That the patients seemed unnaturally mellow and at times trancelike was just fine with the staff and was taken as a sign of progress  .. which, of course, it wasn’t. A pacified schizophrenic is nonetheless a schizophrenic.

The nymphomaniac nurse was ultimately fired after a doctor caught her in bed with one of his patients.  Reliable rumor had it she was given a decent severance package. The patient’s family, as one might expect, was never told.


    
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