THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT RUMP
A 2019 News Summary
Washington D.C. May 15 – The attempted assassination of President Donald Rump by an Irish ‘sleeper cell’ is having further ramifications in the Congress with the introduction of several bills to prohibit Catholic immigration to the United States and to detain all undocumented Catholic immigrants in ‘rehab resorts’ until extradited to their home countries. The legislation, sponsored by members of the Congressional caucus calling itself ‘Real Patriots First’ also calls for a ban on Americans traveling to Ireland as well as a boycott of Irish imports ranging from whiskey to folk singers.
Responsibility for the attack on the president was claimed by the Holy Warriors of Bethlehem, a militant offshoot of the Knights of Columbus. The claim was posted on their website until the administration -- skirting free speech guarantees -- demanded that world-wide servers voluntarily shut down the site. However, the Chinese giant, Ali Baba, kept it running long enough for various western sources to publish the group’s intent ‘to wage holy war against the infidel protestants who have defiled God and controlled America’s evil empire for too long.’
At her morning news conference today, Vice-President Sarah Failin issued a statement that security cameras might be installed in Catholic Sunday School classrooms and suggested that church confessionals no longer be considered ‘above the law’. The Vatican responded almost immediately with a Facebook video by Cardinal Terrance Twist, head of the Papal Curia.
‘The Holy Father wishes the world to know that Catholicism is a peaceful faith and that the Mother Church – despite a few brief aberrations during the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition – condemns all acts of senseless violence in general and those of small revisionist groups in particular. To blemish the entire Catholic world based on the acts of a few misled radicals could be considered a mortal sin.”
In a related development, the head of Homeland Security, Ben Carfather, announced that the month-long encirclement of Boston by federal troops has been lifted along with the ban on Boston Celtics basketball games. The prohibition on St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, however, will continue as will the closing of St. Patrick’s cathedral in New York City until a more suitable name can be agreed upon. Mr. Carfather stated: ‘We now believe the principal threat to our security and to the nation’s tranquility can be found in terrorist cells hiding in abandoned grain elevators in the Midwest. As a consequence, we now have a huge interagency dragnet covering wherever beautiful spacious skies and amber waves of grain can be found.”
Reliable sources have also reported that Secretary of State Ted Missile was preparing a NATO Resolution that prohibits the display of Shamrock flags, leprechaun images and playing of the song ‘How Are Things In Gloccamora’ in member countries. These are believed to be recruiting tools for The Holy Warriors of Bethlehem.
On the local level reports from around the nation indicate that mob attacks on Irish pubs in New York, Houston, Chicago and San Francisco are lessening, although credible bomb threats were reported last night in Kansas City, Atlanta and Charlotte; and “No Irish Need Apply’ signs have proliferated in Alabama and South Carolina. In addition, anti-catholic graffiti is reportedly appearing on church properties and bingo parlors in the Rocky Mountain states.
Although the new legislation, which President Rump is expected to sign from his secret hair salon in the Caribbean, makes no mention of where the ‘rehab resorts’ are to be located, reliable sources say work has already begun to restore structures in the Mojave Desert that were used in World War Two to house people of Japanese descent.
(more, unfortunately, to come)
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And may everyone enjoy a full and satisfying holiday, and a 2016 more sane than the year now approaching its welcome grave.