HOW TO STOP AN ARAB PLOT AND GET FIRED .. ANOTHER 'MAD MEN' STORY

   

      I've been fired twice in my life. The first time is worth mentioning only because it taught me how useless logic can be. I was in college at the time and working on a dairy farm. The farmer and I milked a hundred and ten cows at five o'clock in the morning and five o'clock at night, seven days a week. But I could never get up on time for the morning milking, although I was always right on the button at night. So the farmer -- a happy-go-lucky guy whom I liked -- fired me. Which I understood.
     But cows don't care what time they're milked as long as their teats are manipulated regularly. So -- in an attempt to save my job -- I said to him:
     Ya' know, if we could do the milking at nine o'clock in the morning and at nine at night, I'd never be late.
     Are you crazy? he answered. I'm in bed at nine o'clock at night!
     I dropped out of college not long after, figuring I might learn more from farmers than from professors.
     Metaphorically, that is.

     My second experience --years later -- was more dramatic. It stalled a career or two, humiliated an ad agency, infuriated a client, and nearly created an international incident. And, of course, it got me canned.
     Even without sex, that's pretty juicy stuff!
     The client was Xerox Corporation in the era when it was the only company whose machines made copies on plain white paper. (Yes, the late Jurassic period.) It was also one of the fastest growing companies in the world with affiliates and subsidiaries everywhere ... except in the Islamic world. You could travel from Casablanca to Algiers, through Tunis, Tripoli, Cairo, Amman, Riyadh and Damascus and nary a plain paper copy would you find. Only those crinkly, fast-fading, dun-colored, icky-slippery things produced by its competitors.
    Xerox had been boycotted by The Arab League.

     The back story of why is a little fuzzy. But when the company was a pup, it underwrote a series of semi-documentary films about the United Nations, including one about the founding of Israel, If I remember correctly, the films weren't very successful. But the underwriting credit alone was enough for The Arab League -- sort of a Middle Eastern 'mini-UN' -- to impose the boycott. And not unnoticed, probably, was that the chairman of Xerox, Sol Linowitz, was Jewish and prominent.
     In any case, the CEO of Xerox, Peter McColough, desperately wanted the boycott lifted. And he sure as hell wasn't going to unseat Sol Linowitz as a peace offering. It seemed as if McColough -- a Canadian, a Catholic and a liberal Democrat -- was deeply offended by the boycott. as if the Arabs were punishing him personally for having done what his company considered morally right and responsible.
     So out went the word. Lobbyists were dispatched to Washington, Congressmen and Senators were contacted, consultations were held with the State Department. Months passed.
     Nothing happened.
     Other political and diplomatic doors were opened through Xerox affiliates and subsidiaries in other countries. More months passed.
     Still, nothing happened.
     Eventually it became like a proverbial pea under McColough's mattress. He saw the Middle East as a huge potential market: twenty countries with a population nearly equal to that of the United States. It was almost worth wearing a burnoose and a dishdashah for! But he just couldn't crack the boycott.

     Enter the savior.
     He came, as most saviors do, in disguise: a documentary film producer from England who was introduced to the company by a Xerox advertising agency. The man had bona fide credentials; and after being gingerly handed up the chain of command, he reached trhe Xerox vice-president of communications who -- after listening to his pitch -- heard the bells of St. Peters ringing in his ears. This was it! If he could pull it off, he'd be a prince among pretenders! He'd be Peter McColough 'man' forever.
     The Brit proposed to produce a multi-part, non-partisan history of Islam for broadcast on PBS, the Public Broadcasting System. It was (and still is) a great idea and was certainly needed. If any nation were ignorant of Islam, it was ours. The proposed series -- objective and balanced -- would educate and enlighten the American public and be a contribution to international understanding. Who could possibly be against it?
     And there was a kicker. The producer -- although an independent -- was well connected to The Arab League and felt confident that the series would get Xerox off the boycott list. No guarantees, of course. But the promise, if not explicit, was nonetheless implicit and very exciting.
     It was hope amplified by imagination ... like a first date,

     I was brought into the picture a few months later. McColough had already been given an extensive briefing and had enthusiastically endorsed the project, asking for regular updates. The producer was ready to start pre-production, location scouts were standing by, and final contracts were about to be signed.
     But corporate enthusiasm had overcome common sense. Nobody had asked public television whether it would broadcast the series! That's a huge 'Whoops'! And that's why the Xerox vice-president finally let his hot-shot television consultant in on the deal. I had extensive contacts at PBS and knew its strongest stations well.
    But before trying to pull his chestnuts out, I wanted to review the bidding. I asked for everything Xerox had: the full proposal, script outlines, correspondence, memos, legal opinions, etc. Then, as an afterthought, I asked to see the contracts that were about to be signed. I was surprised at how many people had already managed to put their fingers into what promised to be a glory pie.
     Finally, I called a few friends at the BBC to double-check the producer's credentials. They told me he was an 'Arabist' -- an apologist for Arab causes -- but a legitimate and recognized expert on the Middle East. The apologist part was a little worrisome, but not much. After all, how else could he have gotten close to The Arab League?
     So after my first pass, the project looked good. In fact, I was getting enthused about it myself when I was stopped dead in my tracks. Buried deep in the fine print of the contract submitted by the producer, and apparently approved by the Xerox lawyers, was a sentence that gave final script and narration approval to 'appropriate authorities including The Arab League'. The sentence went way beyond the normal 'boiler plate' approval that legally belongs to the broadcaster. It was, in effect, a poisonous plant; inserted with forethought. There could be no other explanation. And whether the producer was a pawn or a conspirator didn't matter. If we went ahead, it meant Xerox would be ceding editorial control of the American public's airwaves to The Arab League. The company could be accused of underwriting propaganda in the guise of education. And all for its own narrow self-interest,
     If word ever got out, Xerox would be pilloried (I avoided the word 'crucified') and humiliated by the American government and its political establishment, by the Israelis, the world-wide Jewish community, and the international press ranging from The New York Times to Pravda.
     The deal had to be killed, and fast.

     Now came the melodrama,
     I called an emergency meeting of those involved and explained why the project was camel dung. There was much wailing, hand-wringing and flagellation. Everybody who'd plunged a finger into the glory pie was now pointing it at somebody else. But I sensed that much of the tribulation was because nobody wanted to give Peter McColough the bad news. In fact, the vice-president of communications, my boss, was flat-out terrified.
     You can guess what happened next.
     I tracked McColough down at a meeting in Phoenix, Arizona. It was seven a.m. his time when I called. He sounded barely awake and grumpy: not a morning person. I told him that the History of Islam project had to be killed, and that going forward would be like sitting on a bomb and lighting the fuse yourself.
     He was so angry he fired me on the spot. Definitely not a morning person.
      I then called the vice-president and told him what had happened. All he could say was: Oh God, I'm sorry. Honest to God. I am. I'm really, really sorry. His tone was dripping with relief that it wasn't him. Nor did he offer to intercede on my behalf. If the messenger were dead, he wasn't about to attempt a resurrection.

      The next day, shortly before noon, McColough walked unannounced into my office in New York.
He'd always had a wonderfully warm smile .. which spread across his face as I left my desk to meet him. He looked a bit bemused perhaps, but was in no way embarassed or apologetic.
     Quickly glancing at my watch, I took a chance. I asked whether I could charge him for the twenty-seven hours I'd been fired.
      He pursed his lips, as if thinking it over, and told me if I did, he might have to fire me again.
      I charged him anyway.



                                                 AFTER DINNER MINTS



The Arab League, for reasons unknown to me, eventually dropped the boycott. Perhaps they got tired of handling those crinkly, dun-colored, icky-sticky things.

To my knowledge, no history of Islam has ever been broadcast nationally in the United States. It's a shame because our ignorance of Moslem culture and beliefs, reinforced by mounting reactionary bigotry, is more dangerous than ever.

As the people, the vice-president of communications avoided as many decisions as possible for the remainder of his career. He never told me how he backed out of the deal or who he managed to blame for its failure. Nor did he ever try to bypass me again.

Sol Linowitz resigned as chairman of Xerox shortly thereafter to become Ambassador to the Organization of American States. In 1979, under the Carter administration, he negotiated the turnover of the Panama Canal to Panama.

Peter McColough -- who became a valued friend -- was CEO of Xerox for fourteen years. He died in 2004.
     I will never forget that smile.




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